This field note was written in May. I debated publishing it then, ultimately deciding it felt too vulnerable for me at the time.



With time and distance, I feel more comfortable releasing it now.

Typically, on Mother’s Day I like to plan something special to do with my daughter. This year she was feeling under the weather, so I let her stay home and get some rest.


I woke up early to arrive before the sunrise. The sky was still deep blue and a low mist clung to the vegetation below.


This trip by myself, I experimented with self-portraiture.

Misty foggy landscape at dusk with tall grass field and dark pine tree forest silhouette under blue cloudy sky.

While I’m comfortable behind the camera, being in front of it is a different story.


I don’t mind being photographed if the images are being edited by someone else. When it falls to me though, I can hypercriticize the small flaws–the tired eyes, fine wrinkles, and grey hairs along my temples.


I truly believe aging is a privilege, and that each marker of time passing should be celebrated. I love seeing them in others, the stories written across a lifetime visible on someone’s skin.


I’m only human though, and those insecurities affect me all the same.

Misty morning landscape with golden grass field and trees shrouded in soft fog and warm sunlight.

The humidity this morning was extreme. The air was dense and the mist carried the warmth of the morning with it.



I set up my tripod and walked toward the mist, letting it obscure my features.

Person walking along a misty rural path through tall grass with trees in the foggy background.

I stopped frequently along the path, looking closely at the low brush on either side of the path.


A furrow bee slumbered on a golden tickseed, dewdrops visible on its head, thorax, and wings.


Nearby spiderwort was in bloom, its blue-violet color contrasting with the warmer tones surrounding it.



A pair of mourning doves were foraging. As I approached, they relocated further down the path and eventually flew away.

Sepia-toned macro photo of a white wildflower with a bee on its dark center, beside a budding stem.
Close-up of vibrant blue spiderwort wildflower with green stems and buds against a soft bokeh background.
A misty dirt path winds through tall golden grasses in a foggy meadow with trees in the background.

By then the humidity was getting more intense as the sun rose higher on the horizon.


I found an oak tree to stand next to for scale. As I walked toward it, a wall of dense air met me. It continued on, reaching my tripod and fogging my lens. The result was unexpected: a luminous bloom that diffused the focus and lowered the contrast. The atmosphere acted as my collaborator in the moment.

Misty foggy landscape with a large tree silhouette and tall grass in soft sepia tones.

I returned to the camera and cleaned off my lens, dropping my tripod to graze the tops of the vegetation.


Placing myself again in front of the camera, this time there was nowhere to hide, no mist to conceal me. While I tried to look at the lens, I felt most comfortable looking away, using my hand or hair as a barrier between us. I took as many images as I could bear before moving on to observe nature safely behind the lens again.

Black and white photo of a young girl in a white dress standing in a sunlit meadow, looking down thoughtfully.
Misty sunrise over a golden meadow with silhouetted bare branches in the foreground and soft foggy light.
Sepia-toned field of wild dried flowers and tall grass in soft focus autumn meadow landscape.
Dried wildflower seed heads on tall stems in a golden meadow at sunset, with a warm bokeh background.

Millipedes were very active. I found them among the grasses and had to watch my footing to avoid stepping on them.


Vines twisted and knotted around themselves near the start of the trail, a detail I had missed when I first set out.



My tripod was growing heavy, so I returned it to the car and walked toward another section of trail.

Close-up sepia photo of a curled millipede resting on green plant leaves in nature.
Sepia-toned macro photo of delicate dried plant stems with curling tendrils against a soft blurred background.

As I approached, I saw something in the middle of the path but couldn’t make out what it was. A small animal of some kind.


As I stepped closer, I could see the tall ears of a rabbit.



It sat frozen and observed me for a moment before sprinting off into the brush. A few moments later it returned to the path to watch me again. 

Black and white photo of a dirt trail with no motorized vehicles and dogs prohibited signs on a wooden gate.

The rabbit beckoned me forward like Alice toward the river trail, into a denser section of wood where the canopy formed a tunnel overhead.



I returned to the car for my tripod one final time wanting to photograph the effect.


Only later did I realize my lens was still set to manual focus.


Every frame was soft.


Disappointed, I sat with them for a few days. Unable to let them go, I brought them into Photoshop and experimented, layering them in different ways until something emerged.

A solitary figure in white sits at the entrance of a dark, moss-covered cave surrounded by autumn foliage.

Like the mist, the soft focus from my mistake and the multiple exposures overlapping created the distance I had been searching for.


It’s me, but not entirely.


An indistinct figure in the landscape.


Suspended somewhere between presence and disappearance.


In the midst of becoming.


What, exactly though?


I’m not sure.

Black and white macro photo of a cosmos flower with delicate white petals and dark center disc florets.